ClickHole:
A Piece Of History: The Gun JFK Shot Himself With After His Caption For A ‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Was Rejected Is Coming To The Smithsonian (Headline/Draft)
Mad With Power: This Woman Just Commanded All Of Her Friends On Facebook To Recommend The Best Lunch Spot In Tampa Bay ASAP Like She’s The Fucking Queen Of England (Headline/Draft)
Incredible Discovery: Oxford Researchers Have Determined That King Tut Would Have Been Their Best Friend (Draft)
Feminism Disaster: This Gorilla At The Zoo Clearly Has, Like, Six Wives (Draft)
John Malkovich (Social Media Video)
Progress: Iowa Has Officially Replaced Columbus Day With Columbus Hour (Draft)
Army (Social Media Video)
Ingenuity FTW: Under Armour Unveiled A New Hoodie With An Additional Hood In Front That You Can Vomit Into (Draft)
Absolutely Beautiful: When This Elderly Woman Fell Down On The Sidewalk, Six Different People Jumped On Top Of Her To Protect Her From Meteors (Draft)
Alfred Molina (Social Media Video)
Mad With Power: A Cackling Jimmy Fallon Gloated To Viewers Last Night That He Held A ‘Scrubs’ Reunion Without Anybody Around Just For His Own Personal Amusement (Headline/Draft)
Historic Exhibit: Barack Obama’s Bones Are On Display At The Smithsonian (Headline)
Johnson & Johnson (Social Media Video)
Bad News, ‘Star Wars’ Fans: The ‘Episode IX’ Release Date Has Been Pushed Back 26 Minutes After J.J. Abrams Hits Traffic On His Way To Set (Draft)
4 So-Called Advanced Civilizations That Couldn’t Even Fucking Invent Soda (Draft)
Great Pyramids (Social Video)
How Many Of These Needlessly Hostile Ways Have You RSVP’d To Someone’s Baby Shower? (Draft)
Jesus Christ: This 8-Year-Old Who Is An Uncle Must Have Had Some Wild Shit Go Down In His Family (Draft)
Heartbreaking: Soldier Returning Home From Afghanistan Completely Overshadowed By Other Family Member Returning Home From Adult Video Store (Headline)
Janitor (Social Video)
4 Times Paul And Ringo Excitedly Called A Meeting To Reunite The Beatles Before Remembering That John And George Are Dead (Draft)
Obituary (Social Video)
Market In Chaos: The Sudden Addition Of 3 Pristine Copies Of ‘Shallow Hal’ To This Thrift Store Has Tanked The Value Of The Store’s Other 2 Copies Of ‘Shallow Hal’ (Headline)
Reptiles (Social Video)
Stanley Tucci (Social Video)
The Ultimate Superfan: This Man Spent $250,000 On Plastic Surgery To Look Like The Cast Of ‘Riverdale’ (Draft)
Incredibly Generous: Eminem Invited A Dying Fan Onstage And Straight Up Demolished Her With His Most Devastating Freestyle Yet (Headline)
Simon Birch (Social Video)
Take That, Drumpf Lovers! A Research Team At MIT Has Conclusively Proved That Trump = Voldemort (Draft)
Down To The Wire: Kendrick Lamar Has A Big Concert On Wednesday And His Rap Tutor Is Out Of Town On Vacation (Draft)
Prince (Social Media Video)
Amazing Sacrifice: A Trembling Dr. Oz Allowed The Audience To Consume Him After Realizing That His Body Is The Ultimate Superfood (Headline)
Serious About His Craft: Dave Franco Has Lost 100 Pounds And Is Learning To Ballroom Dance In Hopes That A Role Comes Around That Calls For That (Draft)
Elton John (Social Media Video)
‘Ever Since I Could Remember, I’ve Always Enjoyed Screaming About What People Are Doing Right In Front Of Me’: 5 Questions With Dick Vitale (Headline/Featured Jokes)
Body Positivity Win: ‘Boys’ Life’ Magazine Just Picked A Plus-Sized Boy For Its Annual Sexiest Boy Alive Issue (Headline)
How The Mighty Have Fallen: Jeff Bezos Has Blown His Entire Fortune Trying To Win A Giant Stuffed Taz At Six Flags (Draft)
‘There’s A Third Coen Brother Whose Only Job Is To Make Sure Everybody Has Sunscreen On’: 5 Questions With Frances McDormand (Headline/Featured Jokes)
Heartwarming: After This Teen Died From Cancer, The Rock Stepped Up And Took The Blame For All The Pornography Found On His Computer (Headline)
Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far When It Taught Kids About Feminine Hygiene By Having Grover Die Of Toxic Shock Syndrome? (Headline)
As A Male Feminist, I Really Think I’d Absolutely Crush It If I Ever Had To Publicly Apologize For Sexual Misconduct (Headline)
Will The Edits You Made To Your Documentary About Plums Be Enough To Get Its Rating Below NC-17? (Headline)
Playing The Long Game: Rolaids Is Saving Up Its Advertising Budget For The Next 400 Years So It Can Buy Up Every Single Piece Of Ad Space Available In 2417 (Headline)
Can You Keep Tony Shalhoub Entertained While He Waits For Your Daughter To Get Ready For Their Date? (Headline)
6 Editing Tips To Shorten Your Singing Telegram Informing Your Ex-Wife That Your Son Is Lost At The Mall (Headline)
Selfish: This Man Found Time To Build A Birdhouse While JonBenét Ramsey’s Murder Is Still Unsolved (Headline)
Terrifying: IBM’s Artificial Intelligence Has Successfully Convinced An Online Quiz That It Is A Total Samantha (Headline)
Touching: This Mom Always Packs Her Son’s Lunch With A Note Reminding Him About The Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding Natalie Wood’s Death (Headline)
Above And Beyond: This Biology Teacher Has A Disgusting Personal Anecdote About Every Organ He Teaches To His Class (Headline)
Double Tragedy: When This Shop Teacher Lost His House, His Students Secretly Tried To Build Him A New One, Until One Of Them Cut Off Their Hand With The Table Saw, So Now He’s Got That Weighing On Him Too (Headline)
Shameful: The Gallup Editor-In-Chief Is In Hot Water After Using Polls To Ask The Public If He Could Pull Off A Gold Earring (Headline)
Unsung Hero: Meet The Man Who Is Exclusively Masturbating To All Of The Internet’s Unloved ‘Artemis Fowl’ Erotic Fan Fiction (Headline)
5 Decorative Wooden Signs Perfect For Explaining Your Nuanced View Of Euthanasia (Headline)
Post This Video To Your Dentist’s Personal Facebook Page To Let Them Know You’ve Found Them And That You’ve Seen Pictures Of Them On Vacation (Headline)
The Onion:
Eiffel Tower Finally Completed (Headline/Draft)
Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious Institutions (Featured Jokes 1 and 5)
Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse (Featured Jokes 1, 2, and 3)
Pros And Cons Of Amazon (Featured Jokes 1 and 3)
Plus hundreds more that I don't have the motivation to catalogue...
FLEXX
Shots Fired! Charlamagne Tha God Just Gave Pol Pot A Posthumous “Donkey Of The Day” Award (Headline/Draft)
FLULAND
3 Works By Joseph Frederick Garcia