joey garcia​​​​

ClickHole:

A Piece Of History: The Gun JFK Shot Himself With After His Caption For A ‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Was Rejected Is Coming To The Smithsonian (Headline/Draft)

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Mad With Power: This Woman Just Commanded All Of Her Friends On Facebook To Recommend The Best Lunch Spot In Tampa Bay ASAP Like She’s The Fucking Queen Of England (Headline/Draft)

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Incredible Discovery: Oxford Researchers Have Determined That King Tut Would Have Been Their Best Friend (Draft)

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Feminism Disaster: This Gorilla At The Zoo Clearly Has, Like, Six Wives (Draft)

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John Malkovich (Social Media Video)

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Progress: Iowa Has Officially Replaced Columbus Day With Columbus Hour (Draft)

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Army (Social Media Video)

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Ingenuity FTW: Under Armour Unveiled A New Hoodie With An Additional Hood In Front That You Can Vomit Into (Draft)
 

Absolutely Beautiful: When This Elderly Woman Fell Down On The Sidewalk, Six Different People Jumped On Top Of Her To Protect Her From Meteors (Draft)

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Alfred Molina (Social Media Video)

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Mad With Power: A Cackling Jimmy Fallon Gloated To Viewers Last Night That He Held A ‘Scrubs’ Reunion Without Anybody Around Just For His Own Personal Amusement (Headline/Draft)

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Historic Exhibit: Barack Obama’s Bones Are On Display At The Smithsonian (Headline)

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Johnson & Johnson (Social Media Video)

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Bad News, ‘Star Wars’ Fans: The ‘Episode IX’ Release Date Has Been Pushed Back 26 Minutes After J.J. Abrams Hits Traffic On His Way To Set (Draft)

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4 So-Called Advanced Civilizations That Couldn’t Even Fucking Invent Soda (Draft)

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Great Pyramids (Social Video)

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How Many Of These Needlessly Hostile Ways Have You RSVP’d To Someone’s Baby Shower? (Draft)

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Jesus Christ: This 8-Year-Old Who Is An Uncle Must Have Had Some Wild Shit Go Down In His Family (Draft)

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Heartbreaking: Soldier Returning Home From Afghanistan Completely Overshadowed By Other Family Member Returning Home From Adult Video Store (Headline)

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Janitor (Social Video)

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4 Times Paul And Ringo Excitedly Called A Meeting To Reunite The Beatles Before Remembering That John And George Are Dead (Draft)

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Obituary (Social Video)

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Market In Chaos: The Sudden Addition Of 3 Pristine Copies Of ‘Shallow Hal’ To This Thrift Store Has Tanked The Value Of The Store’s Other 2 Copies Of ‘Shallow Hal’ (Headline)

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Reptiles (Social Video)

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Stanley Tucci (Social Video)

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The Ultimate Superfan: This Man Spent $250,000 On Plastic Surgery To Look Like The Cast Of ‘Riverdale’ (Draft)

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Incredibly Generous: Eminem Invited A Dying Fan Onstage And Straight Up Demolished Her With His Most Devastating Freestyle Yet (Headline)

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Simon Birch (Social Video)

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Take That, Drumpf Lovers! A Research Team At MIT Has Conclusively Proved That Trump = Voldemort (Draft)

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Down To The Wire: Kendrick Lamar Has A Big Concert On Wednesday And His Rap Tutor Is Out Of Town On Vacation (Draft)

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Prince (Social Media Video)

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Amazing Sacrifice: A Trembling Dr. Oz Allowed The Audience To Consume Him After Realizing That His Body Is The Ultimate Superfood (Headline)

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Serious About His Craft: Dave Franco Has Lost 100 Pounds And Is Learning To Ballroom Dance In Hopes That A Role Comes Around That Calls For That (Draft)

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Elton John (Social Media Video)

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‘Ever Since I Could Remember, I’ve Always Enjoyed Screaming About What People Are Doing Right In Front Of Me’: 5 Questions With Dick Vitale (Headline/Featured Jokes)

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Body Positivity Win: ‘Boys’ Life’ Magazine Just Picked A Plus-Sized Boy For Its Annual Sexiest Boy Alive Issue (Headline)

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How The Mighty Have Fallen: Jeff Bezos Has Blown His Entire Fortune Trying To Win A Giant Stuffed Taz At Six Flags (Draft)

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‘There’s A Third Coen Brother Whose Only Job Is To Make Sure Everybody Has Sunscreen On’: 5 Questions With Frances McDormand (Headline/Featured Jokes)

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Heartwarming: After This Teen Died From Cancer, The Rock Stepped Up And Took The Blame For All The Pornography Found On His Computer (Headline)

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Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far When It Taught Kids About Feminine Hygiene By Having Grover Die Of Toxic Shock Syndrome? (Headline)

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As A Male Feminist, I Really Think I’d Absolutely Crush It If I Ever Had To Publicly Apologize For Sexual Misconduct (Headline)

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Will The Edits You Made To Your Documentary About Plums Be Enough To Get Its Rating Below NC-17? (Headline)

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Playing The Long Game: Rolaids Is Saving Up Its Advertising Budget For The Next 400 Years So It Can Buy Up Every Single Piece Of Ad Space Available In 2417 (Headline)

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Can You Keep Tony Shalhoub Entertained While He Waits For Your Daughter To Get Ready For Their Date? (Headline)

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6 Editing Tips To Shorten Your Singing Telegram Informing Your Ex-Wife That Your Son Is Lost At The Mall (Headline)

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Selfish: This Man Found Time To Build A Birdhouse While JonBenét Ramsey’s Murder Is Still Unsolved (Headline)

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Terrifying: IBM’s Artificial Intelligence Has Successfully Convinced An Online Quiz That It Is A Total Samantha (Headline)

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Touching: This Mom Always Packs Her Son’s Lunch With A Note Reminding Him About The Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding Natalie Wood’s Death (Headline)

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Above And Beyond: This Biology Teacher Has A Disgusting Personal Anecdote About Every Organ He Teaches To His Class (Headline)

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Double Tragedy: When This Shop Teacher Lost His House, His Students Secretly Tried To Build Him A New One, Until One Of Them Cut Off Their Hand With The Table Saw, So Now He’s Got That Weighing On Him Too (Headline)

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Shameful: The Gallup Editor-In-Chief Is In Hot Water After Using Polls To Ask The Public If He Could Pull Off A Gold Earring (Headline)

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Unsung Hero: Meet The Man Who Is Exclusively Masturbating To All Of The Internet’s Unloved ‘Artemis Fowl’ Erotic Fan Fiction (Headline)

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5 Decorative Wooden Signs Perfect For Explaining Your Nuanced View Of Euthanasia (Headline)

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Post This Video To Your Dentist’s Personal Facebook Page To Let Them Know You’ve Found Them And That You’ve Seen Pictures Of Them On Vacation (Headline)

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The Onion:

Eiffel Tower Finally Completed (Headline/Draft)

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Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious Institutions (Featured Jokes 1 and 5)

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Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse (Featured Jokes 1, 2, and 3)

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Pros And Cons Of Amazon (Featured Jokes 1 and 3)

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Plus hundreds more that I don't have the motivation to catalogue...

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FLEXX

Shots Fired! Charlamagne Tha God Just Gave Pol Pot A Posthumous “Donkey Of The Day” Award (Headline/Draft)

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FLULAND

3 Works By Joseph Frederick Garcia